Idol

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While I was in my teens I had a hard time finding an idol to look up to. I was a little rebellious during my teens so of course I did not see my elder sister or my mother as being a role model. Coming from an all girls school there were a few of my seniors which I adored (in an inspiring way, don't get any funny ideas now) and most of them had the same sort of qualities - sweet, intelligent, kind and humble. Despite the appeal of being a wild and free spirited teenager, and despite the many fights I had with my mother during those years, I think that deep down inside I was still my Mama's girl and I knew that one day I wanted to be just like her, so smart, so kind yet so humble.

Even since that tender young age, behind the occasional rebels, I envisioned myself to be this sort of perfect woman. I put this ideal idea of myself on a pedestal and if I fall short I gave myself quite a hard time. So I worked hard in academics, befriended people from all walks of life and waited for the right guy and fell madly in love. Eventually I did get my heart broken, I learnt that not everyone is as honest as you are in friendships and accepted that I cannot get perfect grades all the time. Having said that though, I must admit I was still quite lost and it wasn't until I met a much older person than me that I started to really believe in myself and learnt to really know and understand myself.

Basically all I want to say is sometimes people think that they know themselves very well, but for me, it took me many years to know who I wanted to be, and I had to make a huge sacrifice and an adventurous journey before I understood myself. And it was someone else who knew me better than myself, who taught me to love my true self and to be that idol for myself.

It isn't about looking up to another person and trying to be that person. To me, it is about becoming the person that you want to be.

Life Chapters

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I am one who likes to ponder and think, and my mind almost constantly has all sorts of thoughts fleeting in and out of my head. One of the things that I always think about is none other than my life, or more often, my past. I like to think that my life has been like a story book. It has a lot of series and chapters, and as the author I try to create a story that will lead to my fairy tale ending.

I think my favourite series will be the high school series, where a lot of exciting chapters were written and life was simple back then. And then there's the life in Ireland series, which I look back more often than I should, more often than I ever thought I would.

Of course, no matter how hard we try we can't change our fate or destiny, and my life too has its dark moments - chapters which I have closed, left behind, and I try not to look back. I have long since stopped thinking of the 'what ifs' and instead accepted that those moments were inevitable and simply moved on.

On some days when I'm feeling blue, I can't help but steal glances at those old chapters and just reminisce those moments where I truly laughed, truly lived. Just thinking of those happy times sometimes can make me feel slightly better, although undeniably on some days it can make me feel worse because my heart aches to be that happy and carefree again.

A lot of people tell me I'm a dreamer. Since I was young, I was all princessy, always waiting for my prince charming to arrive on a dashing white horse, and I used to dance in and out of fantasy dreams. In the recent years I have matured a lot though, or at least I think I have. When life throws difficult bumps and hurdles at you all the time you just have to grow up and face the bitter reality.

Don't get me wrong, I am at a happy place now. I have my family around me finally, and I am building a family of my own. It's just that sometimes, like now, I miss a part of my past, and it isn't wrong to look back, is it?

What I can say is, it is okay to reminisce a little, as long as you keep your feet firmly rooted to the ground. Just know that those empty feelings can come and go and that the past is in the past. Think of the happy times and smile, learn from your mistakes, and insya Allah, you'll be on a road to a greater future.

Strive and Success

Back in the 1930s there once lived a man who had a kind and loving heart. He was also very smart, eventhough he did not get much formal education. As he was quite smart, he was offered the chance to be a school teacher - a job most people at that time was racing for. Yet because he was smart, he declined the offer and became a fisherman instead because he knew if he worked hard as a fisherman he could earn more money than being an ordinary teacher.

He had a wife and eleven small children to look after, so he worked hard day in and day out and although they were not rich, his family were content living the simple life. His children worked as well doing all sorts of small jobs so that they can earn extra pocket money. But being the smart man that he is, he insisted that all his children must go to school, and in fact he even made them continue on the English stream secondary school which meant that his kids had to move to the city and live independently at such a tender age.

Sending children to school at that point in time was not a choice many people would make especially from where they came from. In fact his children were the only ones from his village who made it into secondary school. The cost of education at that time was quite high considering their income, but it was a sacrifice he was willing to make.

There is a lot more to this story, but suffice to say the man's sacrifice was worth every penny and every sweat it took because years and years later, his children succeeded in life, lived well, and who would have imagined the children from that small fishing village even managed to set their foot on London grounds.

"I would not be who I am today if it wasn't for my father's sacrifice, and for his determination to send me off to school when other people sneered at his actions. I never thought I would one day drive a big car back to my hometown, live in a big house and able to travel the world. I wish he could see all this now.." said one of his sons as he gazed at the city lights from the deck of his new three-storey house.

That man lived until he was 98 years old and remained in good health up until the day he died. His children were all around him as he took his last breath. He had a challenging and difficult life in the beginning, but towards the end of his life he lived in comfort and he was truly happy.

I have to remind myself of this story when I feel that life is getting too difficult to handle. I am at a point where everything is happening at once and sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel. What with settling into our new house, the arrival of our first child, settling into a new career and starting on the Masters programme, and above all just trying to adapt into a whole new life after the big move from the other side of the world. Sure it all sounds exciting, it may even sound too good to be true to some, but only God knows how difficult it has been to get to where I am right now and at times I am not too sure if I will have the strength to pull through to the end.

But I guess struggle and strive comes before success. I hope that in the end, everything will fall into place and we'll live happily ever after...

The Beginning

Writing has always been a passion of mine. I've written stories, poems and articles eversince I was in school and when the world of blogging first started I of course started blogging too. The only thing is, all my writings before this has never reached the public eye. Since I was young my stories and poems were secretly hidden in journals somewhere in my bedroom, and until now all my blogs have been kept private. And being the reserved person that I am, I have always been extra cautious about what I let others know especially when it involves the world wide web.

So why start this blog, you may ask.

It all happened on one gloomy day back in Eire, when I stumbled upon a blog which truly inspired me. The author's writings were precise and straight to the point, yet his words left me feeling motivated and positive when I was at a low point in my life. So it struck me, perhaps I should pay it forward. I have always wanted to do something worthwhile in my life - not just in terms of my family life and career - but also by leaving a mark in people's hearts. To do good deeds, and just be sincere in making this world a better place to live in.

Years have passed, and I finally overcame the fear of exposing my true self on the Internet. The reasons that finally led to the inception of this blog however, will perhaps be written in another post.

As for now, thank you for taking the time to read these thoughts of mine. Take home the good things that you may find out of it, and if there are any negative thoughts (I am a woman after all, and yes I too can be full of emotions), forget them and move on. I have come to this blogging world in peace, and I just want to spread more love and share my personal thoughts, no harm intended. So, welcome world, to thoughts out loud.